June 30th, 2008
Love just can't stop. It can't dissipate like some second-rate hack that you just laugh at and pass by not quite understanding why you let the time fly like you did. You need to be able to spit it out, to talk it out, to work it out, then fix shit. There should be no missed hits and striking outs. There should be talking about it then scream and shout it if you need to have it out. But love just can't stop. You can't top the affection that one person has for another for this much time after this much struggle. Support comes as a middlegrounds when understanding meets planning and there's no standing on one side or the other because you need to be there for each other and find a bond greater than brothers or sisters cuz you can't punch that wall to make your fist hurt when you feel nothing and you can't tear down the barriers with bare hands when you simply feel something. When after a night of music I still feel numb and after this much confusion i still feel dumb. I still don't understand the things that i'm missing and still don't comprehend how there could be any fixing. There's not a neither there's a both and that's the most that can be done. And when you are numb like i've become you can know how little fun can be had when you've chosen this over that. Nervous ticks making me twitch and butterflies making me cry and die on the inside just a bit. To not hear you voice adds another tick and squint a wink click of my wrist, a noise that resonates through my entire body and makes me shake with unease as my z's are interrupted by the summer breeze blowing on my window to acknowledge that I'm still alone and until i am known by my own self i'll be confused and lost to the point that no one else, no matter how right they may be can get through to me, can help me see that I'm killing me and I'm killing Lee and it's thrilling to be the one to miss it all because i'm writing it all and trying to stay on top of it all and not understanding at all what i say or what i mean or why there's no more need to be obscene to shout obscenities because they'll never put me at ease. I'm repeating and trying to find some sort of reasonable explanation of why no matter how long i write or how far my sight can reach i'm still not seeing the pleasant relief but i'm feeling stressed and pressured and headaches from malnutrition. Eating too little things at times or eating no things at the times that are prime for consumption. One meal two meals thats it at max and i'm losing track of what should be said. typing out thoughts instead of getting to bed. Sleeps overrated when insomnia takes place. Blink your eyes and naming your face. Hallucinating from fever sweats and waking up drenched with your bed all wet. Nightmares of lonely lives never being the same or of lonely rhymes never taking their shape. I want my life but I want ours too, but finding the middle grounds is what we both need to do.
March 3rd, 2008
|12:29 am - Life Is|
Life is full of ups and downs.
The trick is, though, to let the good outshine the bad...and we all know how hard that is.
Let the good in, and forget the bad. Because it all works out in the end.
Much Love Everybody
February 20th, 2008
|05:29 pm - This Was What I Said I Wanted|
This was my choice...but that doesn't make it any easier
February 18th, 2008
|01:41 am - Stream of Consciousness Journaling 24|
Tough times struggling to keep my head on straight. There are countless things i've done in my life that I've never questioned...but this isn't one of them. I keep doubting my choice and I dont like that. I'm listening to the same song over and over and it speaks on so many levels...the song is about something I thought I could do years down the line...and I'm only finding that it would have never worked...and that's why I did what I did. I just couldn't give up that passion so soon and I really wish things coulda been different. I wish I didn't have the same old problems over and over coming from my relentless passion. It is what it is...and I guess I just gotta take the good with the bad.
So I never thought i'd be the guy with 2 jobs...the guy that eats grapes and apples for lunch and comes home from one job so that I start the other one the rest of the night. I'm makin some solid cash for now, and I'm looking forward to what may come my way down the line. Everyday I just keep in mind that I have a goal for my life that I will have to struggle for...and I guess this is just part of that struggle. A few people have said words that have really helped me along the way without even realizing the effect it has on my attitude right now. It's times like these when you really see who's there for you and who just isn't interested because they're more concerned with their own life. It's funny, because I've always been the person that picks up the phone at 3 in the morning because something is wrong or that wakes up after 3 hours of sleep to spend the afternoon with someone because they just needed someone to talk to...and I still would do all that...but of the people that asked those things of me...I'm seeing how many of them would do the same...and it surprises me.
I'm gonna go ahead and be bold enough to say it...Josh, Dave, Melody, and Alexis...even though we hardly talk these days because of time conflicts and all...you have all truly and sincerely been there for me and had kind words to help me out. There are others of you that have been there to listen and to give me something to do and talk about other than this rare situation in my life when I have shit hit the fan, and friends like Pickle have been there for me...but I've been surprised that others just haven't...even when I try to call, when I try to be there regardless of my own shit...I don't like being a last resort when I'm one of the few people that have been a true friend to my friends...especially since I've matured over the past 3 years.
Dave and Josh...you guys have always been and will always be like brothers to me. We don't see each other as much as we should...which is funny, because I don't see my ACTUAL brother as much as I should. But man when we're together it's just a damn good time. We have shared a lot of bad experiences *cough* jared *cough* and countless good experiences as well. I just hope that I was there for you guys when you needed me as much as you all have been for me as of late...and if I haven't, I've certainly got a shitload of catching up to do!
Melody...It's just great to have you back in my life again. You're someone I can always count on to laugh at my ridiculous jokes...though they have gotten better over the years...and to call me back or be awake when you say you will. I have a feeling you're always gonna be that piece of Truman memory that nobody else can be. We go way back...and you being my first girlfriend and all have a lot of responsibility since we never even held hands back in the 7th grade...or was it 6th? Who knows hahaha. I appreciate you're "no bullshit" sense and how you know when I'm full of shit and will call me out on it when I need it. Anyway, it's nice to know that though we drifted for awhile...things worked themselves out and you're someone I can count on, and I hope I'm the say for you.
Alexis...there's too much to be said about our relationship over the many years. Its unfortunate that we've undoubtably grown apart over the years, but you're still someone that listens...and just knows what to say. You're a great girl, and hopefully we'll see eachother before the decade ends.
To everyone else I do love you, I will always be here for any of my friends. And whether you're their for me or not right now...you're still a friend. Not all friends have to be each other's rock...but just being there is enough for me. I'm a lucky guy. I certainly am grateful for each and every one of my friends.
Sorry, no rhymes tonight...
Current Music: Jason Mraz - Ms. Heather and Mr. Gray
February 16th, 2008
|03:06 am - Stream of Consciousness Journaling 23|
Did my job again tonight and the police were called. He got arrested because he had pot, too and was really drunk. His own damn fault. Sucks. She was pretty shaken so I talked to her and told her if she needs to talk to just get to my room and we'll talk about how she can handle it or if she's upset about anything. I like having people want to talk to me and trust me...it's nice. Anyway...I'll start off by saying it's quarter to 4 in the morning and I feel as though I've accomplished nothing...lets see what I can muster up tonight though...
I had to wait until things were too far gone to fix until I saw what I wanted all along. I waited forever to see the end of the tough exterior that protected her heart and now that she finally admits when something's wrong and finally opens up to some degree it's just too far gone for her and me. I see parallels in the world around me with seeing the process but never being able to experience everything once the process is over or the change has occurred. I'll stare out my window and watch my campus be torn apart just as I am being and I'll never reap the benefits of this campus construction raid. New dorms once I'm gone and cleaner energy when it's too late for me to see. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture to see that the change was made...even if I can't benefit from it.
Why did it take us to break down until you finally cracked. When your first reaction is to shut out and act like nothing happened, that was the problem all the way through, when you knew what was wrong but you didn't want to say, as if it would place some sort of unnecessary burden on me. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know, just like others have done. I wouldn't have cried if I didn't care, just like the other ones. I wouldn't have tried even though i WAS scared just so that the problems could be done. Being with you wasn't just fun it was something so much more and now it's not possible to get it back. You really made up for what I lacked and would pick up my slack and we were so good together until things went downhill. For so long...nothing I did was good enough...so even when you changed, I felt pressured and it made it tough to focus on just BEING there than DOING things for you. I didn't realize that you were happy to just be with me and didn't need to be seen or go places anymore than I needed to do some of the obscene things I did. We both acted like fools and we can't take it back.
I'm getting dizzy. It's four in the morning now and I've been up for 19 hours...I think it's time for some sleep...I think too much is my problem
February 14th, 2008
|01:56 am - Stream of Consciousness Journaling 21|
I'm trying again. I've been doing work. I'm very busy. I'm not exactly happy right now. Things have happened and I've lost myself again. I'm working on finding it all over again...I'm starting from scratch, I've taken a hollow shell of what I once was and filling it with music, friends, work, dreams, and other things that are only temporary fillers...but I don't really think that'll be going on for too long judging by how busy things have been getting. I won't need temporary outs as much...and I'm not pushing myself to more outrageous things...that's just not me. In either case. It's late, and time to crash. So I'll see what I can pump out these days.
I stopped believing in valentines quite some time ago but it was only recently that I truly madly deeply loved and truly madly deeply lost until the lost love caused my ideals of romance and love to truly crumble in the hands of one love lost. The love was lost long before the rest was gone and things went on and on as I tried so hard to repair and struggled to find something there. Only then did I realize that love is just an overflow of emotion but recollected in tranquility that emotion can be transformed into art. An art so glorious that words can't describe and a beauty so powerful that it blows your mind, it makes you sigh and the sighs grow heavy and then you cry, the splendor of love makes you so happy and high. But there's nothing harder than the crash and burn that is inevitable once you take that wrong turn straight into the eye of the storm. There's chaos and winds and thunder and ice but there's that tiny little moment when things are so nice, so perfect again, but you've spoken to soon then. The only thing that's left is the other side of the storm. No matter how many times you're warned you always look forward to the eye of the storm even though you know there will be hell to pay on the other side of those perfect days. When you're holding hands and kissing and making up, when you're ready to start a life with the person you've always loved. On this, our day of love, I won't be finding something to get her, I'll be taking classes going to work and forcing myself to forget her. Ignorance is bliss and love is an ignorant man's cure, I'd rather have never loved at all than have been through this for sure. I finally found the reason that people say your heart is the core of love, of emotion. I wish I knew the real reason that when you're in love you get these butterflies and you feel your heart beat fast and you get that inexplicable feeling in your chest. But when you're heart is broken, you can feel it tearing and scraping against your chest trying to get out because it can't stand to be here as much as you can't stand to be here. Your heart cries because it tries to repair what you've lost but when you're missing so much you can never keep in touch with what you once were.
Everything is so bittersweet, every victory, every impression I make, every chance that I will ever take. No matter how many people I share these things with...it just won't seem like enough unless I have the smile that I desire. That seal of approval that lets me know that things will be okay and even if it's tough now it'll get better...but it never did. I don't know if I'm worse off now or then...but I'm not going back. I'll never hear from you again though I keep remembering when...I keep thinking what if...I don't know any more than you do if someday hearts will mend and will both hit some bend in the road and meet again. It's so doubtful...but it makes my heart struggle a little less and dampens the pain that bears on my chest. I can rest knowing that if it were meant to be it will...but still...
Love is trouble. I never want to be in it again...
February 11th, 2008
|03:28 pm - I am destroyed|
The words that have been said have rung in my head more than those...I am absolutely furious with myself for letting these things happen. There were things about us that I just couldn't handle...
And I am declaring defeat. I'm not being an ass...I'm not being arrogant...I'm absolutely admitting that I am incredibly fucked up. Everyday that went on I was becoming more and more miserable. The things you said are true...and so much of me just wishes that you had said these things to me and told me these things earlier. If at some point I was able to truly see this from just another perspective. I am a difficult person...I warn everyone of that...I am a good friend but I am not good at doing otherwise...I loved as much as my heart would allow...but it was difficult for me as I kept growing more and more doubtful about the future. I AM going to blame myself for this. Because it was my choice this time around. It was my fault I couldn't let things go, and it was my fault for being so paranoid and not letting my own heart mend.
I have never been so miserable this time of year as I am now...and to think just 6 months ago I had it all...I had someone i wanted to spend my life with, I saw that I didn't need my big fancy dreams and was totally willing to give them up to be with someone that was special...and I had no regrets...but now it's been a week and I can feel my heart tearing through my chest trying to break free and walk away because if all the shit I'm putting it through.
Sleeping patterns are even worse than ever and I feel like a fucking zombie everyday...working 2 jobs, taking classes, starting a band, and I'm more confused than ever. I thought if I kept myself busy then things would be easier but I constantly have one thing on my mind...I hate being lonely like this...in this sense. I was used to it...but going from everything to nothing...I can't live like this. I want to run away from it all. Leave everyone I know and disappear...that's what I need...but I just can't do that.
If anything...I hope this doesn't affect you as much as it has me...I can only hope...and I hope it shows you that I've been all wrong for you this whole time. And I'm sorry...
February 5th, 2008
This time 'round I'll be stronger
This time 'round I'll last longer
You'll resent me and hate me and say it's all done
But years down the line I'll mean nothing when you've found the one
There were too many rifts in our relationship and the places we wanted to be
There was too much drifting in what was felt and you, too, knew that it wasn't what it ought to be
So the tears will fall but soon enough you'll stand tall.
You've moved on twice before from me and you'll do it again sooner than you say
I won't play games with you and I never said what I did to pull you apart
But the more time passed the further I felt from your heart
This time 'round I have realized that whether or not the "asshole"s matter
This time 'round I have made a stand for what I need to focus on...
This time 'round it'll be different
January 29th, 2008
|10:21 pm - Stream of Consciousness Journaling 20|
How we perceive reality is conceived through our imagination, the contemplation we dedicate ourselves to, and the situations we dream up schemes of. Using the same constant metaphors and finding it utterly deplorable. Claiming I've been broken, been bleeding, how my heart has stopped beating. But I need to observe more, maybe be reserved more so that I can conserve more energy and finally act better, like I know I can be. I've got interviews and points of views with everyone quick to put in their two cents when you never asked for it. But when you need them to have your back they won't show support. Too often it's out of sight, out of mind, until I'm around to occupy your airtime. I'm tired of feeling used, goinginsane while I'm confused, and sick of being abused without a single person knowing what's REALLY going on. I don't even know what decisions to make or which faces to fake depending on the company in which I'm placed. It's impossible to be yourself when there's so much going on that you don't even know what that is. Impossible to be selfish when there's such a need to please that you won't even show your beliefs. I benefit who knows who, who knows what, who knows when, but then again I see a travesty in other people's personalities There's a translucent nature that creates this absurdity.
I can add so much to this...and that'll come another time i'm sure
January 23rd, 2008
|02:24 am - GASP|
I have been getting in music. But I have been losing sleep. Lots of it.
I realized today that I missed my first one-on-one with my hall director last friday...because of all the meetings I had that afternoon. I don't know if she'll remember but I'm pretty upset about it. My job is already at risk...I'm not sleeping well at all...I just sit there wide awake until I'm too tired to keep my eyes open...I don't quite get it. I'm not mentally preparing myself for this semester at all.
The loss of sleep has taken it's toll. I'm worried about my classes already...just for the sake of not knowing if I'll be able to fix it so easily. My body was so ready to live that different life and now it's stubborn...just like I am. It's stubborn to go back to normal...to make the necessary changes to continue with what I need to do.
I'm tired. Cranktabulous. No writings lately. I need to start getting myself to go to sleep earlier before I can devote myself to writing before I get to bed...